.. starting the year off with a chest cold ... always the wrong ailment to claim when you have a perky natural rack like me .. today on site it made eyebrows go up and the conversation level go down.

My baby is across the sea ... and it seems as if she's been gone for months rather than just 8 days .. she'll be home on Wednesday night and all will be right in my world again. She phoned me from a booth near

the Bastille at midnight (Paris time) to let me know that we were in different years ... and how true that is ... Tom says that it is wonderful being there with her, it's like seeing everything anew, with fresh eyes ... “Yes…” I agreed. I can understand that feeling, I recalled how it felt when she very young and I had those moments of clarity and freshness with the opportunity to look at the world again through her innocent and curious eyes ...

.. and 6 hours later, my New Years was bouncing from party to party, the weather here is rather warm for Minnesota (about 30 or 40 degrees warmer) ... it feels like I'm always going from place to place here,

never really making any headway, just a fidgety, fickle, "attention whore".. oh well ... there are worse character crimes I suppose, at least I'm entertaining and I looked cute in my lavender velvet shirt and mini-skirt .. top heavy venus fly trap ...

More when my head clears .... I smile for your happiness and sense of purpose this year, and it will be a good one by the way, Despite my lack of enthusiasm today, the doubts are gone for whatever strange

reason. The months and days of 1998 appear before me in black and white pictures ...now all I have to do is find 365 crayons to vividly color them all ... hour to hour ... second to second.

But tonight I'm home, watching the bio John Philip Sousa and wearing my flannels ...

peace love and crayola

michele

7/8/1998

..sisters on the planet ..

.. on today's episode of that long running serial "Planet Sister" Michele rides to the super market at midnight to purchase cigarettes and sing along with Aretha to "Rock Steady ... rock steady ... lets call this song exactly what it is .. what it is . what it is . what it is .." a quick stop to drop the videos in the overnight drop box produces a screech of brakes from the night patrol ... was it the lone woman on 54th street ... or the

sight of me in gray shorts and a white tank ... the world will never know..... my movies in hand I gave them my perky yet impersonal dismissal via body language ... and the patrol continues on to make our streets safe and sound. A cruise through the aisles of minimum-wage Bucks, Brunos, and Harolds stocking the snack pack pudding and rice cakes produces 2 pounds of sour patch kids for the goddess, limeade frozen concentrate and a pack of Winston Lights.

All the other Planet Sisters are now sleeping (I hope so anyway, because they all work in the morning) ... I've had some great talks this past week with women my age (late 30's / 40's) and it makes me feel less of an anomaly of nature ... after all these years of false security in thinking I was simply the chesty science fair project of some ethereal creator. My hopes and fears as a woman, as a mother embarking on this unique plot change is given careful consideration and support. The caveats exposed and I can stay and be controlled by what other people "think" they want ... or I can do what feels incredible right with a clear mind and meet the challenges as they arrive like the big girl that I am.

The goddess ... is at her Dad's and in all of this she is just as confused as the rest of us. Except she still has a child's heart, hopefulness and valor ... she tries to protect us both by telling us what she thinks we need to hear ... and she plays us against each other as only children can to achieve what she feels she needs on a daily basis ... I understand this and it is exculpable .. but I always see right through it and call her on it and remind her where my boundaries lie ... and then I am called "harsh" but lately there have been examples of children who don't have any boundaries to speak of in our lives, and she looks at me with a different admiration and says "boy mom, I'm glad YOU never let me get away with that" or as her friend

started a little girl whiney dialogue with me from the backseat of my car ".. girl, whining doesn't work with my Mom, it just makes her say NO louder and faster.."

.. to be a smart parent right now it takes all my energy to assure myself that I'm not being rejected when she protects her Dad by implying that she'd like to stay with him ... and every ounce of energy not to feel smug or better when she implies the same to me ... and extra strength energy to keep my mouth shut when I am hurt by his idiocy and cruelty when Tom takes satisfaction in telling me that she'd rather be with him.

When I presented this notion of Scotland to the goddess, after a 2 minute silence she looked at me and said ".. I'm sad about it Mom, and I'm so happy about it and proud of you .." I told Tom last night that what feels right to me is to have her for most of the time in Scotland .. but .. it would be stupid of me to think that he wasn't feeling exactly the same. Like all things in life, this should land somewhere in the middle ... because it is forever compromise when two people that can't make a marriage work still have the responsibility of raising a child.

So, the way I am going to approach this is to be the bigger person, since I am the one initiating this big change ... I shall go on to Scotland, have her spend school breaks, holidays, and summer with me the first year. Subsidize his income (which may prove to be financial suicide if he gets too used to me "helping" him again and start to think its his fucking birth right") and make the addendum on the divorce decree state that this arrangement will ONLY be from Sept 1998 to Sept 1999 (the length of my contract with Dart) and subject to re-evaluation in June of 1999 or it will return to the original arrangement. I will keep joint legal custody status no matter what.

I think that if I stay "who" I really am through all of this, and not get into these pointless conversations (because he has his mind made up/defenses and character assassinations in hand) with Tom and keep it clear, honest, and real where Gina is concerned .. she'll be alright and in the best place. She really needs what we all need ... to be loved and to feel safe and true with herself ... I can help by not using her as ammunition against her Dad ... I feel myself letting go more and more where he is concerned and someday soon the thought of his drowning pantomime through life will only draw a shrug of shoulders and a c'est la vive from Planet Sister.

The goddess will grow into the young lady she should .. it may not be hugs and giggles every night ... and it may be ... but those times fade as she becomes a young woman (impending) and needs to break away ... Maybe my making the right choices and being true to myself will be a wonderful example to her some day .. a strength and belief that we can be where we need to be and we certainly have the right to try. That love has a million faces, a majority of which are far from smiling ...

She'll know someday , as I do .. that when you are truly loved .. you simply are and I will have the strength to hang on when she needs me too .. and the grace to let go when she needs that too ...

peace love and que sera sera and now I'm a fucking Doris Day song

michele

7/17/1998

things that make bumps in the night ..

.. back in Minneapolis .. the social friends have already dismissed me and moved on to the next party. Fine with me, because I have too much to accomplish in the next 6 weeks.

The mosquitoes invaded my house while I was away and were there to great me with a huge banner that said ... "we want your blood .. we want to buzz in your ears as you try to sleep .. we want you to know how it feels to have an insect bite halfway up your left nostril (NOT VERY GOOD!!!)"

Like everything else, I am the point where all I think about are money and time. I never feel as if I have enough of either .. but here I go ... and maybe I can overcompensate some way .. or find a briefcase full of notes as I turn an unfamiliar corner ... change my metabolism.

My sinusitis decided to go South to my lungs and its another thrilling week or two of antibiotics (the big kahunas this time) .. oh well ... better living through science. Must have been the change in temperature ... Edinburgh is a perpetual nipple erection kind of place ... we bounce along the cobblestone and try not to crack the shop windows with our chilly bits.

Summer is halfway gone and so am I. There are classes and exams to take Novell 5 certifications. Everything in writing when you need to sell yourself off to the highest bidder ...... There are self-taught nights of web excellence ahead for me, because there has to be a Michele website ... which will probably end up being the focus of my existence ... my own personal audience of 80,000,000 anonymous internet surfers .. unleashing my daily observances and escapades. Can it be so far away? The day I'm selling

banner space and charging admission to the live action video cam broadcasting my wild wild life to an unsuspecting world ....

... fuck .. this would be a lot easier if some rich and generous man needed a $150,000 blowjob ... at least I could close my eyes.

But closing my eyes makes it soooooooooo spooky ... I feel like Helen Keller at Jurassic Park these days ...

What is ahead .. and why am I so happy to be afraid and going straight ahead anyway .. I wonder if I really am a movie sometimes .... and I can't hear the people screaming in suspense from the dark theatre out there .... DON”T OPEN THE DOOR!!!

peace love and psycho shower scenes

michele

7/29/1998

Familiar winds ...

.. full steam ahead, and I am learning that you get what you ask for when sincere and in need. Two more projects pop up and I need to work more and wander my hallway less.

Something in my head assures me that all will be calm for awhile once I'm done here and on my way ... and then it will be crazy again ... just the way I like it. But for now its balls to the walls for Planet Sister.

My dreams are strange, technical and otherworldly ... stuck in Glasgow waiting for a train ... ready to walk to Edinburgh if I have to ... that must be my desire speaking to me from the etheric.... I'm with my family at Queen Station and surfing the web with my laptop .. looking for other modes of transportation ... 6 hours are eternity in surreal train stations you know.

I dreamed that the Rolling Stones emailed me (all separately .. which was bonus and I laughed because none of them could spell worth a shit) ... they were sending me congratulations and invitations ... don't know where this came from other than in my household seek, destroy or sell mission this week I found an old invite for a Ron Wood show at a friend's gallery in Chicago many years ago ..

Camille and I had a salad and bawdy girl talk at Gorgio last night ... still and pleasant .. the mosquito torches burning .. our breasts on display at a table in the front of the outdoor cafe .. people stop to read the menu posted on the gate below us ... checking out the antipasto .. checking out our legs. There we were laughing at pictures from the river ... family breakfasts with her Mom that I am always made a part of ... family goes so far beyond blood .. It’s a feeling more than anything.

Remember the josebag? The brazilian/puerto rican love monster that broke my heart? Well, he's back .. in a strange and cosmic way ... we ran into each other and ended up talking about life, Scotland, and the money he still owes me. And of course I had to screw him on my kitchen floor ... and the best part of this is that while I was writhing under him I realized that I was so over him .... and this is quite a relief and release of pain and anger ... I am prompted now to give in to big sister Joyce and say farewell to my Mom with as much of a heart as I can ... because I travel better when I'm not packing for pain.

There have been other realizations over the past week .. and things unfold in natural and loving ways ... Tom and I have come to terms about this move and our roles as parents and people with shared history and a vested interest (goddess). I had to try so hard to be still, listening, with both hands imagined over my mouth when the sarcasm threatens to spill ... and now ... by some miracle of will/chance ... we agree on the arrangements for the next year and are very clear on each other's motivations (for the time being anyway) I don't have to check my attitude at the door anymore ... whatever is flowing between us at the moment is gentle, patient and kind ... I hope it stays.

.. the goddess and I spent Friday in Milwaukee .. I picked her up from Tom's parents (who miss me apparently, because all they did was hug and kiss me the whole 2 hours I was there) ...

I hadn't been in Milwaukee for about 8 years or so ... and it has changed and it hasn't changed ... we walked through the Milwaukee Museum of Natural History (my favorite place there) ... they have a display called the streets of Old Milwaukee, Gina has seen it about 4 times before .. this was the first time (cognizant) with me ... I had to point out all the stuffed pets (real .. yuk!!!) and the fact that I knew someone who studied taxidermy at the University and one of regular gigs for that department was stuffing animals from the humane society and the zoo to use for displays at the museum ... This really grossed her out ... and it does to me too .... she mentioned later on the drive home that she wants to be frozen like Walt Disney when she dies ... without missing a beat I said ".. oh, I've already willed my body to the Milwaukee Museum ... I want to be the caveman's wife for all eternity ..." .. she found this hilarious ... so I continued in a little girls voice ".. noooo mommy ... I don't want to see Grandma Shelly again ... she scares me .." "Don't worry dear .. Grandma's stuffed, she's just a statue .. and yes those are her real boobs..."

In Milwaukee I felt like laughing .. like a private class reunion .... its as if I had to say goodbye to "Shelly" ... my past feels like a different person to me .. and I really do like her and I guess I'm the only one who really knows her or what she was all about ... I can't say I'll ever miss her or want to walk in those 'vintage' shoes ... but it allowed me to say some nice, funny and happy things to Gina about Milwaukee and the times that her Dad and I had there, we sat on the third level of Grand Avenue looking down over the atrium and I said "squint your eyes girl, and try to imagine me standing on the edge of that fountain .. wearing a red minidress, gray felt swing coat .. red beret .. red lips .. red gloves and red and white patent leather saddle shoes ..." ... because I really did it .. and it was Christmas Eve 1981 ... your Dad walked by and I kind of knew him from the club .. had a mini-crush on him at the time . but nothing major ... He saw me first and laughing at my impromptu holiday dance at the fountain yelled " Hey.. is that you Shelly ??!!! " and I turned around and almost fell in the fountain .... I did a little dance for him and showed him my new shoes ... my old capezios were sitting on top of the trash can .." a television camera filmed us for a news story they did on "last minute Christmas Shoppers" ... Gina looked at me and says "... were you on TV.." and I said ".. I wasn't sure if we made the news or not until the next night, I walked into work at the club and your Dad was on stage playing with his band UXB ... he saw me (couldn't miss me .. it was monochromatic electric green day for me...) he stopped mid song and in the mic he said "Hey Shelly ... we were on TV last night !!!!" and then he started playing again.... she has to give me "the look" because I'm her mom and from "caveman days" as she says .... another funny thing that happened at the museum .. she said "..well Mom, if you are from caveman days ... what time is grandma from?" I said ".. well remember that last room about the continental drift?" she nods ... I say "... lets just say your Grandma could walk from Boston to India when she was a little girl" ...

oh that’s enough for now!

Peace love and may summer come out soon (hopefully with your cat!)

Michele

10/15/1998

The Adventures Defined ... wow.

Well Chris:

It has been quite a productive few days. Irony, I met up with a good

recruiter after a re-definition of I "really" would like to work here

(permanent on-staff consulting) and the recruiter thinks he can find me

what I want (including permits, etc) by the end of October mid

November. No worries there.

The amazing magic of this place and this space and time is that I'm

writing notebooks and notebooks since I've been here (not always being

the party girl ... you must know by now I live life very largely and

like to call out my favorite plays like I'm announcing a football game).

I have outlined my book and I truly believe this will be an amazing

feat, and considering I've written much of it already it won't be all

that hard to put together. I believe it must be something that people

might like to read because I spent all night giggling in my "nunnery"

last night as I wrote the outline for it. Now all I need is my laptop

and a zip drive to pull all of the "archives" down and possibly a

publisher who would like to take a chance on a soon-to-be notorious

downtown girl like me.

Tell me what you think ....and the adventure about you is sweet and true

by the way, more or less a tribute to our friendship and letters and how

you were a far-away lifeline and audience for me through thick and thin,

my friend.

Peace love and don't spill your tea laughing at these titles..

Michele

The Adventures of Downtown girl and Danger Bra:

This will be a 125-175 page book with 63 adventures on 1 - 1.5 pages

complete with a photo of bra that visually sets the tone of the story.

This is a visual and descriptive memoir of 4 years spent living high

above a commercial-by-day / party-by-night warehouse district in

Minneapolis. The woman in this story is beginning a new journey into

life after chucking the fairy tale of marriage, suburbs, and a full-time

job .. amid an urban landscape. The requisite task before her is

re-defining / deciding who she wants to be while balancing a home

business, the hiccup effect of every-other-week parenting of the

goddess, and the terror involved in protecting a sensitive/hopeful and

true heart while feeding her hormones. There is common thread of

down-to-earth truth, bittersweet wit, optimism, spirit, and forward

motion above all else in each of these stories. These adventures are a

mixture of journal entries, short stories, and bawdy character

observations that are sometimes manic, sweet, heartbreaking, strong, and

strangely honest. A few years on the avenue that felt more like a

lifetime for: the one, the only "Gregarious Lone Wolf" or "Einstein

meets Titty Bar" or "The Neon Madonna/Whore Complex Incarnate" or

"Favorite Field Trip Mom" Downtown Girl and her ever faithful closet

full of Danger Bras.

The Adventures.

1. Observations from the Window on the AVE

2. Dancing to Morphine at "The AVE" (a girl can’t have too many locals)

3. Cartwheels with a Goddess (physical exercising and general exorcising

techniques defined by the goddess)

4. Nacho the Incredible Edible Spaniard

5. Thomas passed out in a parking lot one day

6. She’s Ache’n to be (common theme, this is where its introduced)

7. Gregarious Lone Wolves Anonymous (or.. how to make a sidewalk flap)

8. Running (a childhood memory)

9. Hindu Pea Surprise

10. I’m on the Tina Turner Plan (balancing a budding Mrs.

Wendy-Oedepal-Robinson complex with legs like this)

11. Manic Girl Tricks

12. "Dear Tom" (From my collection of favorite Dear John letters)

13. The Tom & Shelly Show (or, Portrait of a Marriage Made-in-Milwaukee)

14. The beauty of Walk-Abouts (Goddess Wisdom fresh from the Sidewalk)

15. The sexual habits of lice in Haiti

16. Welcome to the Screamer (a loud neighbor story)

17. Ghosts and Projections (ghostly tales from the talking walls of an

ancient bath-house on the Avenue)

18. Dresses made of Cheerios (What not to wear to a bird sanctuary and

other fashion tips)

19. Death of a Father (mine)

20. Why I like butterflies

21. Date Rape (Its not just for Breakfast anymore ..)

22. Why its OK for Jose to lie to me (or Eureka .. sucked in by the

human vacuum cleaner of love)

23. Peace, Love, and Chris

24. Tachio’s (a girl can’t have too many locals)

25. "Dear Jose" (From my collection of favorite Dear John letters)

26. Sketch-boys and that man called Dr. Free-Love

27. Re-In-Carmen-Nated (an inspiring tale of ink)

28. Tour Bus Campfire Tales (and the tails inside)

29. Rikrotica #1 (1st in the trilogy of across the planet email

titillation’s)

30. Nick at Night (my favorite bartender at the Fine Line Music Café, a

girl can’t have too many locals)

31. Sex with Subtitles (or how to get the Federal Government to finance

an "art film" for the hearing impaired)

32. Yes, I am Sister Fun (a tribute to Crash, the parking lot attendant

I adore)

33. Never love a Gambler (Read between the lines emails with Rod)

34. The Goddess goes Hollywood (Gina’s first lead in a school play)

35. Sundays at Urban Wildlife (a girl can’t have too many locals)

36. Origami Nightmare (Effective everyday punishments to inflict on

friends that drag you to sushi bars)

37. "Dear Rod" (From my collection of favorite Dear John letters)

38. She’s Ache’n to be again …(The 6 degrees of Paul Westerberg in

Western Civilization)

39. Powerade and Rooftops

40. Wiscons-IN-SANE (a poignant look at my homeland)

41. Brits in the Tub … again???!!!

42. Chayo (portrait of a girl who sends herself personal ads)

43. A tale of Flaming Marlenes (Vhat am I to do .. I can’t help it…)

44. Rikrotica #2 (2nd in the trilogy of across the planet email

titillation’s)

45. Babies in the Sky (musings on a goddess gone away to Paris)

46. Tarot at the Thai House Tonight (a girl can’t have too many locals)

47. Sex World, the Kmart of Kink (late night Christmas Shopping in

Little Amsterdam)

48. Why I love Willy Wisely (and I what I would wear for ONLY him)

49. Thanks a Bunch for that Polaroid of your Penis (a gracious thank-you

note)

50. Downtown girl hits London (and the Buckingham Palace Mews ..)

51. Cheeky walk from Waverly (or things Not to Do/Show on Princes Street

at Midday)

52. Revel-lationships with a brown-eyed-girl (a true soul-reunion, poll

of the pubs, and peek up the kilts of Edinburgh)

53. The AVE is much the Same (from the heart of Lothian to the heart of

Little Amsterdam in 3 high altitude meals)

54. Rikrotica #3 (finale in the trilogy of across the planet email

titillation’s)

55. "Dear Jorge" (From my collection of favorite Dear John letters)

56. Why I love Goat Boy (an introduction to picnic bitch)

57. Don’t talk, just drive the car (Goddess logic from the back seat)

58. Devil in a Red Skirt (and purple shades)

59. Tarot at the Thai House - The Terrifying Sequel (and other insights

confirming my greatest fears/challenge)

60. Dancing with myself (still ache’n to be, and Paul’s a parent, just

like me..)

61. I knew I was finally over him (while I was under him on the kitchen

floor)

62. Go back to School? I am a Damn School, Come to Me! (and other

powerful affirmations for the bathroom mirror)

63. Cathartic Catholic Moving Tricks (Don’t try this in Ireland!!)

64. Last night on the AVE (Ethel Merman sings the Red Hot Chili Peppers

or Nutcracker Fantasies realized while you wait)

65. Edinburgh or Bust? (sequel writing and an austere brassiere across

the pond)

Peace, Love & Loaded Guns

Michele

11/01/1998

Mother Nature

Hi stranger,

Hey, I went out as mother nature last night! As it was Halloween, being American it was expected that I would dress up and make an ass of myself. I dressed up as the ultimate nature goddess ... in silk long johns (skin colored) and flowing voile, trails of ivy clinging to all the right places, a crown of yellow roses and a spiky-haired merkin (pubic wig) festooned with sprigs of daisies, complete with swinging braided pubic hair! (the Scottish mother natures answer to sporran). The night was spent bestowing universal love, power & optimism upon the bewildered. Smiling on them in a motherly and beatific manner ...my flat mate says he's sure there will be at least 5 "I saw you… Mother Nature" in the next issue of the List.

I'm on the edge Chris. My interview in Saltcoates went very well, the only caveat being that the acquisition of Thomas Cook has them in the due-diligence process. Some positions may become redundant and they want to make certain that sponsoring me won't be at issue in light of this. They do want me however!!! I will find out for sure on Mon/Tues ... be sure to put in a good word with the job god in your nightly meditations – I’m appreciative in advance of course.

I did get a call from London on a CV I sent ... very vague message and I haven't a clue who it could be, I've sent so many out in the past few months. I'm just going with the flow I guess, and that is all I can do right now.

Ian, the extremely nice man here at Web13 installed a zip drive after I asked him why he didn't have one. People here are beginning to feel like family. In fact they treat me better than my own family does. So anyway, this means I have pulled some of my writings off of my zip disk (finally) and can toss it around on my portable tonight.

I'm not sure where I'll stay in London, maybe my usual guesthouse on Russell Square. And… since I am on a budget, I will definitely take you up on your offer for the ride home to Edinburgh on Saturday. I didn't buy a ticket for the show, and I’m not quite sure on how / when I will arrive, only know that I may want to take a black cab. I asked a friend where New Cross was and I was told it isn’t a lovely walk for a woman alone at night. At any rate, I'll probably leave here on Friday morning on one of those cheap flights and knock around London during the day and see you later.

Hopefully with a job (finally) and my future starting to take off here in Scotland!

I'm off to write more emails. Problems at home in rural Wisconsin ... my foster mom needs a big supportive letter. My youngest foster brother has been working on quite stealth cocaine habit from quite some time. It has arrived on their doorstep in form of nosebleeds and a hole in his nasal cavity. How attractive --- drugs pretty much infuriate me as I get older.

Mother Nature will know what to say ... with a shake of my merkin and a wave of my golden daisy … all the right words will come for those I love.

Peace Love & Merkins At The Firkin Pub,

Michele

11/03/1998

Limbo and Rocky Horrors

Thanks for “guesting” me ... no news from Carlson World Class (I've been away from the flat for most of this afternoon, so hopefully something on the phone messages when I return). I spoke with a recruiter in London as well as an outfit in Glasgow (recommendation from the man I interviewed with at Carlson). Hopefully something will come of it. I would prefer the training gig at Carlson, but at this point I'd do practically anything to stay.

The goddess misses Scotland and she misses her mom, and her mom misses her. I'll be going back to Minneapolis in less than a week (Nov 10)... I plan to spend about 3 weeks with the goddess and then come back to Edinburgh to work ... 11th hour limbos are hell on my stomach, I wish I knew what was happening / going to happen, so I could plan accordingly. So many scenarios play in my head these days, should I stay, should I go ... my actions speak volumes, because I've paid for my flat here until the end of Dec ... because I'm sure I'll be here, somehow ... I will make it happen. Optimist - fool - hero - that's me! Look, there down the lane, gasp… there goes my life, running parallel to any number of scripts for soaps in Argentina. Don’t cry for me ...

I will probably stay at the exciting and affordable Euro Hotel off lovely and historic Russell Square ... a quick hop from Eustin Station. I'll phone them up this afternoon to see if they have a room for me.

Now it’s off to home ... and then a massage ... here's the slacker, squandering her money on aromatherapy massages and then free tickets to see Rocky Horror at the Festival Theatre tonight. So I guess I'll be doing the time warp again ...

Peace Love And A Jump To Left

michele

11/05/1998

Happy Birthday

Hey birthday boy! You stinging little Scorpio… you dynamic and talented man about town… you true and shining person with infinite possibility before you. Have some cake and some smiles. Dance around the house in your pants and red slippers and do something silly and out of character to make the neighbors nervous. That's my birthday prescription ...

Carlson wants to hire me, but they can't because they have a hiring freeze until Jan or until they sort out the movement of personnel after their due-diligence processes are over from their recent acquisition of Thomas Cook. Translation: I'm screwed and that job condom is hanging on the rubbish bin..... I've signed up with yet "another" recruitment agency. This one is called Search (Glasgow by train again tomorrow) ... I'm a bit sad today and less inflated, but I can still blink so I'm not beaten yet. Optimistic and creatively visualizing myself here and the life I would like to have in Edinburgh. My goddess bringing home a fine lad in a kilt for her last big dance in secondary school ... it will happen.

My family is self-destructing as usual in beautiful Wiscons-in-sane. The papers say that people in Minnesota / the US are so fed up with politics and the Republican scandal spinners that a majority of the governors and members of congress elected yesterday were either democratic or third party .... Minnesota elected an ex-pro wrestler (3^rd party write in) Jesse "the body" Ventura is now the Governor elect of Minnesota, and people wonder why I don't feel the need to live in America anymore?

I'm looking forward to seeing you on Friday ... I'm definitely staying at the Euro Hotel. So you can send the limo around anytime after 3.

I think it will be nice to have a long ride and chat with you as well. So many things to talk out / through in my mind, and it will be nice to not have to give preamble or explain my past or motivations. I find I am doing that a lot in the process of meeting and settling here with all of my new friends. It is emotionally tiring at times ...and I feel so sad today Chris ... the hurricane is past and I'm surveying a new kind of damage ... and then there is always tomorrow and at least I have the desire, skill and creativity to always rebuild, repair and then move on.

Now, on a completely naughty note .. I went to the Rocky Horror show last night 8th row and Michele was wearing red knickers and bra underneath black lace and thigh high pull-ups, high heels. Doing the Time-Warp again and again. Later, shedding my long skirt and metallic blouse with other show goers at the Mother Funk club night at the Venue – I stripped down to my Rocky Horror costume after the 4^th Red Bull & Vodka and had a laugh dancing with men in suspenders – we were oblivious to the reaction we stirred in the crowd ... sore legs today from dancing and another wacky tale to tell. Now there’s a chronic problem of mine, too many tales to tell (Gawd… some I’ll never tell)

Peace Love and Feliz Cumpleanos Amigo

Michele

11/09/1998

Monday Mahn'nin

I'm in a funk, its true. It is so hard be the moxy wiggle machine this week. My mouth saves the day however. It spews and utters my trademark witty code along the avenue. A bit louder today so no one notices my slumped shoulders, the bags under my eyes from restless sleep.

Cursed with the ability to remember dreams, to work them and wake up with them still in me. So I carry around these surreal issues in addition to the day-to-day over capacity load in this dimension. Somehow they feel urgent to me, prompting a need to resolve them as well. Perhaps its deeper than I am able to see when I’m awake --- maybe I’m dealing with deeply seated unspoken truth ---- because after all, our dreams are the days turned to lucid one act plays. Questions always remain and haunt me. That cartoon vapor that swirls around my face with an end that turns into a finger and tickles my nose when I’m curled up under the duvet wearing the calm reposed mask of sleep ...it conjures up my sub-conscious surly stage manager in the funky slumber cabaret of my life...

Familiar faces in the web café, and this girl can always count on a delicious bowl of soup served with a smile and a genuine "How are you today Michele?" That and good-natured teasing are always on the menu for me here. Tomato carrot orange soup today, I and I have a mock argument on whose knee throbs the most from the dampness today. I accuse Ian of having his wife hit his with a board while he's sleeping ... I smile slyly when asked how I managed to ruin my knees at such a young age.

The flat mates are a bit distant in the past few days ... a natural human response to the issue of moving. I’m leaving, we all withdraw in those circumstances don't we? I've been curling up by the fire with the NT Enterprise Server manual, I need to be ready to hurl acronyms and tech-speak should I hear on the NT analyst position with Acomarit on Wednesday. Getting a last minute job fits my 11th hour predictions, and time spent filling my head with technical garbage will probably be a waste. In the end I'm sure the interviewer will probably hire me for my tits and personality, that's the way my life goes… very ironically and all titty bar.

Today the goddess answered the phone in her sweet sleepy voice (7 am for her) .. I'll be home in 3 days and smelling her neck again ... I can smell her all the way from Scotland, still warm from her sleep (looking at the 3 inches of snow on the ground ...whoops of joy... I hate the idea of snow today) She has managed to charm the pants off a promoter friend of Tom's and scored tickets to the Backstreet boys on the 16th .. (she has connections in the arena rock circuits ..at the age of 10.. I shudder...) so Mom (that’s me) gets to tag along .. more for the purpose of purchasing power at the merch tables ...another shudder in anticipation of the piles of glossy $25 shite for sale.

I had a great time in New Cross, and already it feels like a month ago to me .. I feel like I've been here longer than I have. Every day is like a week. In a 24 hour retrospect, every yesterday becomes a weak prediction of tomorrow. I wonder if I have tried hard enough, and how much of this life is work and how much of this life is luck. And… because this is my song, the next line is: "but, what the fuck…"

My friends in this city are sad to see me go, but smile confidently at me. "You'll be back before Christmas Shel, that's just how you are --- magic." I wish I felt as strongly as I looked some days.

It will be a stretch for me to come to Middlesbourgh... as much as I'd love to, and there's nothing I'd like better than to have a chance to have a another long conversation with you. You make me feel alright with myself, and I'd have to say, you may have the best perspective of who this creature really is after a 4 year stint as my on-line confidant, journal and friend.

I had the goddess bring the archives, my email print-outs from the past 4 years so I could cull some of the better stories for the downtown girl saga-ga-ga ... maybe I should just post them to you so I don't have to pack them in my suitcase (they are quite heavy).

Let me know by Wed .. ok?

We will see each other again soon… as per the confident and optimistic Michele… maybe I'll just have to be a poor struggling

writer for the rest of my life. Maybe I had better get cracking on finding that proposed near-death octogenarian to marry so I can stay in Scotland and get the Viagra roulette game sorted ... eh!

Peace Love and More Glycerin Pills for my Honey Please

Michele

11/12/1998

My 11th hour

My friend:

How’s the first week of tour? I met a possible 11th hour angel at Il Castello, after my last taste of risotto mare from my favorite restaurant in the world (and the loveable staff who pamper the hell out me).

A table next to me overheard my tales of woe regarding work permits and the oddity of an American woman wanting to settle in the UK .. and asked me to email them a CV this morning. Which I did ... and if this isn't it I don't know what is ... yesterday was the 11th day of the 11th month (my 11th week in Edinburgh) and the man asked for my CV just past 11 pm ... I am a hopeless lunatic and universal optimist.

I am leaving here in about 45 min… to Glasgow to Reykavik and then to Minneapolis, which is recovering from super-storm 1998 ... 17 inches of snow… (not 11)

I am sad once again, but also happy in anticipation of seeing the goddess ... so I'm a smiley teary mess on the inside ... with that dead-ahead green-eyed stare and determined grimace.

I'll be back for Dec 5th (I left half my stuff in flat so I haven't a choice in the matter) and I will be in touch. The job will come and I will see you in Glasgow on the 8th.

Take care and enjoy the sights of Middlesbourgh today !

Peace Love and Eleven

Michele